cutting great neck

was today. Just an hour ago, probably.

So I hate to juggle balls and have school, Hebrew school, tennis, piano plus more and more things on my hands, right? And I had a recital today for piano. I had to play Santa Lucia, a song which I will now hate for the rest of my life.

So I went there and I was taller than everybody else by at least two feet. I was already embarassed just to step into the goddamn building, goddamn it. All the kids were either Asian or whites who had no life.

Here was I: a white, pimply guy with a huge afro and an idiotic smile.

Some kids played songs with three or four notes; some played a song all across the piano, from the highest B to the lowest C.

I had a relatively hard/medium piece, compared to all the others. Don't forget that I forgot my notes.

And I was shaking.

The piano teacher called my name and I walked to the piano, sat down, and started. (Nobody made any mistake so far.) I started off too fast--my fingers were trembling, sliding across the notes, I couldn't breathe. I stopped playing, looked back at the teacher, smiled, and asked: "Let me do this again?" Now everybody was chuckling.

I started all over again. I couldn't think, I only moved my fingers.

Goddamn shaking like a 90-year-old psycho.

And it flowed for about thirty seconds. Thirty shaking, quivering, short, happy seconds from the almight Saint--and then--cruch!--my fingers took me down, and down, and down, and I started playing my own music--C D F C E R F H J A P O K D F K L F S D O P J until a very long F or A or whatever note that was.

And I stopped.

I stood up, laughed, quivered, looked pained, sniffled, looked at the teacher, who said something unrecognizable (Maybe "Good luck next time" or, even better, "You should have studied more!" or even better than that, "I quit, you stink, learn piano by yourself.")

I think I might kill myself. I might just go to the bathroom and cut my wrists with a lollipop. (NOT.)

I hate this. Now I got a headache from eating too much candy. I am embarassed, my skin oily from sweat (long gone now, the only hint is the stench), and I have a surprise birthday party to attend in less that twenty minutes.

Guck. I am sad.

Most embarasing moment ever.