cutting great neck

i feel...

because i don't know. i don't know where my life will go. i don't know what i want to be. i don't know where i want to be. i don't know anything at this point, truly.

and this uncertainty is eating inside me. what should i expect out of life? i am so scared, i don't know of what, because these people--my parents, my teacher, my counselors--instill in us, the poor, optimistic high-school students, a fear. a fear of the upcoming terror that is about to burn a hole right through your torso. because if i don't do my work, if i don't get an A, if i do drugs--my life is ruined.

and that sucks.

it infuriates me whenever my mom mentions moving back to sd. are you serious? how can we move back? she brought us to ny; she dragged me from the nice little journalism route i was about to ride--into this place. not to mention, she dragged us to sd from palo alto, too. so i can't move back. there's no way in hell i'm moving back. sure, i miss the sun, i miss my friends, i miss the beach. i miss being able to feel melancholy that i live in the most boring place in the world, and thus being able to imagine different lives, different cities, different, more extravagant, more bohemian milieus.

but if we move, we move to israel.

and it's not like i want to move to israel, it's just that israel is the only place that i'm ready to move to. the only place where, well, i guess my family feels belonged. i personally don't think i belong in israel, but as a family, we do. and i am in that family now.

but now that we're in ny, let's stay here and see how it goes.

ahhh.