cutting great neck

sometimes, i feel so preoccupied by the world that i forget to commit myself to things and objects and missions that are significant to me. the world is so big, so easy to leap into, to be absorbed into like a little grain of sand swallowed by a bath sponge.

humanity is so difficult, so bizarre. just imagine: the entire world=people rule other people. that's it. the whole economic crisis, all wars, all murders, all rapes, all courtrooms, all jails, all priests and all rabbis and all terrorists and their victims--they are all people. human beings. as simple, as unintelligent, as dull and reflective as you and me. blogger's run by people!

and what makes the world so harsh, so jading, is that all of these people are seeking nirvana, and their ancestors sought nirvana, and in the end, there are two conflicts: a) ancestors' quest to nirvana clash with people's quest for nirvana; b) people's quest for nirvana clashes with other people's quest for nirvana.

and sometimes, these clashes are caused directly--bin laden flying his planes into downtown manhattan, man rapes 8-year-old girl on side of highway; most of the times, though, these clashes are indirect. a woman forced to wear a burqa because of the rules set by those who came before her, a man accidently impregnating his girlfriend...

and what i can tell you? what is the cause for all of these terrible dilemmas, all of these life-modifying milieus?

i think: religion.

religion, because G-D asked us to spread his mission, G-D asked us to hang all gays, G-D asked us to stone all whores, G-D asked us to burn those who eat pork, G-D asked us to fight Palestinians, G-D told us that there's heaven when we die, G-D told us that we won't die, G-D told us that He exists and therefore we should believe Him because He said so, because god is fucking supposed to know what the fuck he's talking about, right? well, right?

god, i hope you're there. i hope you're hearing me. i hope that you're listening to me.

if you're there, tell me: why do you make all this shit happen?

why do you make us fight in your name?

if you exist, why? why do you exist?

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i just had a major fucking relevation.

god does not exist.

people--the same people that run this world, the same people that work this world--our ancestors--created god. they created it him out of cow skin and blood, scribing their dazed dreams onto a scratched, ragged slice of leather about their Omnipotent Creator who Made Them and Instructed Them, an eye in the sky whom we are the direct result of, and he can do everything for us, he can create everything and destruct everything all in one fellow swoop.

---

we're reading lord of the flies in english.

we read it last year too.

god, how i abstain from that book.

that's the only word i could fit in there.

i don't abhor it and i don't worship it. i appreciate it for appeasing my ideas; all values are unjustified, groundless, ambivalent, and individuals cannot for the life of them communicate with one another.

we all animals who live nowhere and anywhere at once.

and it indicates to me that there is nothing i can do to change it. nothing i can do to stop myself from living in this bubble of nihilism other than killing myself, which i will never do.

and now i need to do homework.