i wrote a poem. maybe you like it. it's bad. it's about what i feel right now.
Hate Places
I feel like a fist had been
pushed through my throat
until my chest was heavy
with fingers poking out.
I wish I could have known
better. Everything seems to
move so fast. I want black
nights in San Diego. I want
the stars when we’re in a car.
I want to see people I know
I’ve known I will know for
these years. I want to see them
again. To have them. I don’t
care who they are. To say
goodbye as if it was the last
time. As if I’d never even
think of them again. But here
I am. Thinking about them. There
are so many, I keep thinking
names: and then I never stop.
I never stop thinking of people I
want to see again because it’s
the only thing I can do to
make myself miserable. I
used to think I hated suburbs. Now
I know. When you’re out of one
you start wanting it again.
And then I realize that I
can never hate a place. I
can never hate a place. I
can never hate a place. I
can only hate it when I’m not
there. And then, I cry.
I cry for the hours days weeks
months years I’ve wasted hating
San Diego. I cry for the hours days
years I haven’t hated San Diego.
I cry for the years it took me
to make a life, to build one out
of my own hands. I cry for
everyone and no one
at once. For all the families I’ve
left behind. For Israel. For Palo Alto.
For San Diego. For New York.
Please. I don’t want to talk about
crying anymore I just want home
and then I realize I don’t
even know where it is.
It's a horrrrible poem. I actually didn't cry over this. It's metaphorical. I actually almost never cry. Hahahahahahah. But it basically sums up what I'm feeling right now. In a bad way. Ahhh oh welll. I'll write about my experiences in NY later. and about my bday. and well that's all there was to everything. oh an flushing chinatown. and a
i don't know. some relfection about life i guess.
i dont really care.
ahhh
so im totally confused about everything and nothing at once, about physical objects (human beings) and mental objects (my brain?) and i dont know what to do, dont know what to say. how could i miss san diego? i used to hate it! i read some sort of something i wrote in the middle of eighth grade, and there i said how much i despised it, how much i yearn for europe, how much i need european skies...
and now i also yearn for europe, in the same way, yet in a different way. i want to walk through paris’s orange-flickering boulevards with a bagette and chocolate in hand, drive through the green, red meadows pastures of holland, and just, well, be in russia. and yet i used to love ny. i guess i still love ny, if only to conserve my memories of my falling-head-over-heels with manhattan. i hope to god i’ll still be able to love ny, to actually want to live there, and be there, and grow there, and just have a life there, etc. etc. there’s one song, almost nostalgic, new york new york by frank sinatra that totally moves me, helps me fall again with manhattan—until the song ends. and then... im on a cloud, and i just fell off, and i don’t love manhattan any more.
i went to the coolest restaurant ever, in queens, last friday. i love queens—how every culture in the world mishmashes with every other culture and this whole culture crash, it’s amazing. the restaurant was romanian (like i) and i ate: calamari (yum), mushrooms (HOLLY MOTHER I ACTUALLY LIKE MUSHROOMS!), white caviar (which was SO good. it’s like a spread, the texture, but it tastes just like caviar), schnitzel+fries (nothing new there.) and well that’s it. it’s called casa romana, and it’s on queens boulevard, and it’s so spectacularly romanian that i’m still in shock over the kitsch deer-head-on-the-wall-fake-plants-wood-furniture-white-tablemap-and-golden-walls decor, the bucarest singer who sang songs in romanian, english, french, italian, spanish and even hebrew in an old, billie holiday voice, and, well... it really reminds me of why i love ny.
today i signed up for classes, too. yesterday i didn’t even get out of the house. the day before we went with some israeli peeps who i just met to a bowling place. which was weird. and the day before i think we went to..brooklyn! we toured the brooklyn heights promenade, which was glorious and saw the manhattan skyline glowing across the river, ahhhhh, just reach my hands and touch, where the twins have once stood...
memory defunct. last week--one big fat black hole.
so. it's basically been a week since i've last posted a post. and that post was horrible. it was really terrible. it was completely, entirely, fantastically miserable. i promised you something which i didn't do.
okay, well it's raining cats and dogs at the current moment. but it's still not as bad as yesterday. maybe it's going to get as bad. and if it is im gonna die.
anyway. some more manhattan pics:
what else... what else...
nothing.
i'll post something soon. i hope.
ahhhhhhh tired, need sleep, hurt back, food, food, food, blahhhhh fuck.
so. im supposed to sleep at the moment, not blogging or facebooking or yahooing or whatever. and i know the above comment sounds cliche, but the truth is i really wanted to blog just to, you know, not forget what happened in th elast ifve days.
i shouldn't have kept you in the dakr for so long.
so what im gonna do is write this blog post, and then add the pics later. like, tomorrow morning. and also spellcheck.
day grandma and ma arrived: we went to russian supermarket on 108th st. and it was again so scrumptiously astounding and some more buying of appetizing crunchy flavorful olives which i already finished and yyyuuuummm. and then we came home and it was amazingly fun.
and so yesterday the movers came and we unpacked all that shit. i redeiscovered all the crap from a long time ago.
and today we unpacked allt he shit too.
so. not much.
but i will add more tomorrow morning. i promise, loving readers. please leave comments.
do olives cause constipation of the anus?
so it's been a good 24+ hours since i've last posted a post. and it's been very... average. wild, but not too wild. good, but not too good. exciting, but not too exciting. i'll start from last night.
when i left you, i was hungry. so dad went to get a big, fat slob of pizza from this one place our israeli neighbor recommended, called mangia or something, on middle neck rd., and it was ny style pizza, something extraordinary, which i thought was only feasible to make on the great island of manhattan, or on the great island of sicily. yuuum! i gobbled up two scrumptious slices in a blink of an eye. i would've taken a photo but it would've been one big fat blur.
speaking of big blur and scrumptious... i have come to realize my ambition in life.
most delicious little olives... of all time. they're israeli. they're green. they're stored in some salty water thing. maybe vinegar. they're infinitesimal. their only insidious quality is... that they constipate. which makes me outstandingly sad. miserable. i might even cry.
but i pooped today. so it's okay i guess.
and i just pop them, just keep poppin' them, they are delish, they are all mine, all mine. i actually used to hate olives a few months ago... until my reconciliation with them which started with me tasting a pizza, sprinkling some black olives on it, and... wallllla!!!! however, i realize that their plan to overtake me and capture me as their slave, perhaps even sexually abuse me, is absolutely amoral. but still... grrrrrr. they're so sexy.
today: did nothing much 'til four, when we went to my favorite store ever; it's a supermarket, no, it's a superstoragetank, no, it's just a megastore, no, it's...
IKEA! they're soooo amazing. i love ikea. excellent food. excellent shopping. we bought an expedit bookcase for myself, which also comes with a desk, and it's amazing, and we just set the bookcase up (for the past two hours... ughh! [i will recieve the desk in 5 days]) and my back is killing me, but still. take a look at the wonderful expedit bookcase from these superb swedish designers:
and i guess that that's it.
the whole freakin' day...
hope you like it. it's beautiful. :D
p.s. : tomorrow. grandma. and. mother. arrive. how exciting!
anyway. friday--what'd we do? I don't really remember. we went to sign up at the schools, which was nothing special, just a same old secretary giving us forms to fill. we signed up at the library, where all was jewish (shabbat shalom, moishe tseidel), and the books are numerous and old and it's huge! and i like the library. it's very nice. we dined on a nutritious lunch at a nice zagat-rated mexican restaurant in great neck. i was REALLY tired and i took a two hour halcyon nap. which was long and warm and spectacular. and then we watched a movie (well, three-fourths of it anyway). which was bad. and when i mean bad, i mean cliche and old and boring and tedious and talky and oh-i've-seen-this-thing-done-too-many-times-old, Paris J'Taime. Acting--meh, stories--blah, directing--well, the talent was there, but the performance? poooop. (i fell asleep at three in the morning. stupid fucking nap.)
saturday, we went to flushing meadows park, which was really fun (and ego boosting, since i chose what to do the whole day.) it was raining furiously the night and morning before, the windowshield almost smashed, splatters the size of a river, so the air was crisp and the birds were singing and the weather was perfect. ahh. big globe was also marvelous. (the rain was an ephemeral hiatus from this dreadful soggy heat that we must get innured to as soon as possible before we have a stroke.)
we went to the queens museum of art which was meh, but the panorma exhibit was WOAHHH! the new york city model was superbly detailed and beautiful and simply woooooow. i loved it. i love ny. every building was 3-d'd and there, brooklyn, bronx, manhattan, staten island, just beautiful, really builds an admiration for this wonderful city.
night, we went to moti and noami in new jersey. it was fun, good food. will likely happen many more times in the future.
yesterday we went to manhattan. sing to me oh muse of the raw modernism and classicsim clash of manhattan, of the glorious green growing fields of central park flowing with frolicking tourists with their little tourist baby strollers, of the rivulets flowing, of the lake and the beautiful buildings, ahhhh. we crossed from upper east side to upper west side, where we came upon the entire population of manhattan + about the three million european travelers who are stealing manhattan by storm (according to the sunday nytimes), all of whom were sunbathing and touring central park after the long, unending rain flooded the grass fields and wiped the city of its scum.
in upper west, we came upon a fair. good food and shopping, i liked it, tired feet. i usually like upper west side, but i guess the walking and the fair and the swiftness of it all detracted from the usual quixotic experience. we cut through times square. glorious m&m shop, delicious, could smell the chocolate in my noseeee, mmmmmmmmmmmmm......... new yorkers are genius, i have to give it to them, even though their tough exterior and cynicism kills me [how stereotypical of me. oh well.]. good food. ahh. i love new york.
and then we hiked up all the way back to 67th street...where our car was parked in an ingenious spot. simply beautiful.
anyway. woke up late today after goingto sleep early last night after long run to future high school + back. can't wait for more visitors. didn't do anything today.
weather at the moment--sun almost setting, hot, humid, blah. sister= "i want the computer, it's not fair you get it for so much time i barely got it two days ago and its not fair lah blah blah im stupid."
i read a lot today.
oh and p.s.: the nytimes is amazing. i'm reading it and rereading it day by day. simply astounding.
now fireflies are going to come. oh farewell.