cutting great neck

if only you could have heard me sigh.

i bet you i have seasonal affective disorder. first off, it runs in my family; second off, this is the second year in a row that i feel dejected in during autumn.

it's terrible--the work, the isolation, the resentments. i am envious of everyone--for their intelligence, for their reputation, for their wit, for their charm... chances are, i envy you for something.

and it's so horrible. i don't know what.

sometimes i just sit there and i feel like somethings been swallowed inside of me and i'm scared to find out what it is, just utterly petrified, and i don't know what to do about it and i'm too scared to tell anyone else, especially someone who i like and cherish but have some kind of concealed resentment towards, jealousy, someone who i'm afraid might overpower me, threatens me. and i wish that this big black swallowed void inside erupts and gushes out rivers of lava and then i'd be liberated from its burden.

it's so hard. multitasking. so many things, and i'm--i feel like all of this is just swallowing me whole, all of this work and these aggravations. i can't wait till the end of the play. i can't wait for freedom, for those few months where i'll just--just be free.

i just want to stop a stranger and tell them to comfort me and just embrace me and tell me that that i'm the best thing.

i want to watch a movie, or something. something good. sit down and put my feet up and just be swallowed by a movie and just watch something for once, not do anything but watch and think, and be mindlessly broiled.

if only people recognized my talent. if only--if only i wouldn't be so pig-assed and egocentrist. if only i wouldn't admit to my errors. if only i didn't have any errors to admit to.

when i wake up at 6 in the morning for swim i don't think. it's like i'm an engine, something that runs and does but never--never thinks, never achieves.

i'm paranoid. i think people are after me. teachers hate me because i'm better than someone else who they like more. or that's what i think. i hate it when i read my own essay and i read someone else's essay and realize that my essay is better but still recieved a lower score than the other person's essay. maybe after reading my essay, the teachers inaugurates a new set of criteria so as to reduce my grade into the shriveling mass of shit that it really doesn't deserve to be.

and sometimes, i think that i'm stupid. and that i know nothing. and that however hard i may try, i fail.

and sometimes, i don't even know why

why

...

label me: fall, sad, social life

february 5 2009

what makes today a good day:



1) i got a part in the play. and it's not such a tiny part either. it's about a 50-line part, so i'm super excited to play it--plus, i'm supposed to be BLACK [mr. gellert must have looked beyond my pallid qualities into my inner soul] which physically and spiritually brings me even closer to barack obama. also, donald--my character--is aleksandra's [I LOVE YOU] husband/boyfriend. and they're really crazy. and then during our first read-through i had so much fucking fun! mr. gellert made fun of my accent and everyone laughed though i didn't understand what was so funny because i don't have a strong accent and nobody even knows i have an israeli accent and i never tell them it's an israeli accent and whenever i do tell them they don't believe me. and i really like my character :)



2) today was my first layout/late night in the guide post. stayed until 9:05 p.m. so basically everyone really liked me and what i did with my page. it was incredible. indesign is so incredible, i love designing newspapers and i really hope that finally my newspaper design skills would be put to good use. i want to be editor-in-chief of the guide post later in life. yay.



3) i understood the math for my math test tomorrow. oh shit. i need to be studying and NOT doing this!

and that's probably it.



~~~


had a hard time falling asleep for the past few days. i'm lying in bed. thinking about life. mmm. and i try to fall asleep, but can't. took long, long nap yesterday afternoon. i guess, sleep is not really an escape for me, it's more of a -- more of a well-controlled and troubling addiction. i hate trying to fall asleep. for the past few months i've been able to just pop right onto my pillow and doze off the second my ear touched the satin. so i'm really uncertain about what had happened to me over the past week.


i have also had the weirdest dreams. last night... i don't remember the dream from last night, though i do remember the dream from the night before. somehow israeli uncle & aunt & cousins came to visit us ... and our house was weird. well, for one thing, i went to pee into a bathroom in a room which exists in the house i live in right now but there were two toilets, both of them marvel, one of them for pee and one of them for poop. and i subconciously knew this. no idea how. and there was this huge bathtum behind the toilets. the dining room was weird too. and it was... i don't remember so well.

and the night before that, i dreamed that all of gilboa came to visit me in ny. it was so bizarre because i never give so much thought to gilboa, well not enough to have an entire gilboa-oriented fantasy anyway, but i clearly remember seeing dannielle and katya there and it was in the dark and it was cold and everyone was embracing each other and i remember seeing danielle and katya from far away and screaming their names as if we just saw each other again after a lifetime. and there were more people there too. i vaguely recall seeing faces illuminated by fire that had nothing to do with california or gilboa. people from my current life. who, i don't remember, but i remember thinking about it when i woke up.


~~


from now on my afternoons will be basically filled. oh shit. and with school and all. oh shit. i've still got some hw. oh oh ohhh shit.



exactly a year ago was super tuesday. it seems like time has flown by. hillary clinton--i still miss her infintiely, but am somewhat joyous that things turn out the way they are.

here's my picture post taken on a warm san diego winter night from super tuesday 2008, when california chose clinton by a 8% margin. i love democrats.

label me: drama, dream, friends, gilboa, guide post, life, obama, play, politics, sd, sleep, social life

insert blank:

life is ___________


a)disappointing
b) horrible
c) leave as is
d) all of the above



no snow. no happiness. no life.

i am a particularly angsty teen. today has been horrible. in all of my classes, i felt... well, for a lack of a better term, not superior. or inferior. inferior to other individuals.



my friendliness with miserable eric (a disgustingly tall&pale, mindless, skittish sophomore who likes to create awkward situations and frivolously flaunts his adoration of zack efron and high school musical [1, 2, 3] who confirmed to me his bisexuality [does he know what sexuality even is?] on thursday night when i was compelled to spend an evening with him and watch benjamin button [overrated somewhat]) has not paid off yet, and as i leave my drama 1 class with him in it i feel somewhat joyous, somewhat anxious for fifth period drama rep.



second period, hebrew, as always, felt secluded. this is the only class in which i still keep to myself, still keep silent. i am the teacher's pet, a democrat and an ashkenazi, which apparently does not match the particulars of anyone in the room except moi.

third period was all right; i discovered am 82% on math midterm, which i previously believed to be a FAILED.

fourth period--88% on history test (highest of all time! YES! [well, it's AP]) and 75% on essay (YES! highest in the class!!!).



drama rep... meh.

english was a bit of a hullababoo today or whatever you wish to call it. teacher returned papers--apparently i and another girl, a particularly brainless blond, have not been given back our papers. oh well--typing it at the moment, taking an extra-long break. my heart was beating so hard. i need an a in english fuck.

spanish... 96% overall, if i turn in notebook probably 98%.



chemistry, teacher (i love ms. afkhami. i think she's muslim which makes me love her even more. the utter courage to teach in such a jewish-oriented campus is astounding. i know she is iranian, and am kinda sure she is muslim.) told me i fit in ap physics next year. yucks--am not elated, though enjoying her consideration of my intellect. maybe because told her my psat score? and because we both love obama?

after school, i had tryouts for a play. apparently we were all called back for tomorrow. it's a good play too, so i'm crossing my fingers--need, yearn those extracirriculars.




anyway, nobody in tryouts paid any attention to me. but like 3/4s knew me. gackk.

and then after terrible tryouts i had fun with loren who i never actually... met, seriously. she helped me on my shakespeare.

and a little bit extra.



came home. tireeddd. had trouble sleeping last night.



sometimes when im really not tired i lie in bed and fall into this sleep trance where i am awake but not really, like i think as if i am awake but it's more like a dream. i just lie there and consider different possibilities. it happened once with politics, but i am not sure what i was thinking about last night. and it's like you think about it and you're not sure if you're awake or not and then it's 7 in the morning and you realize you hadn't actually slept at all.



it's going to snow tomorrow.




:)

label me: boredom, dream, friends, high school, life, sleep, snow, social life

21/01/09

i don't know. i just don't know.

everybody knows my name in school. they all recognized my face. they speak to me. someone walks past me, asks me, 'are you gadi cohen?'. i tell them, 'no, i'm george.'

'i'm george.'

i'm starting to think i'm george.

i just... don't know.

don't know how--how i live like this. how nobody knows anything about me, how i don't know anything about me. i'm like sylvia plath--all alone, enclosed in my own bell jar, me and my music, me and my poems, my and my life. i work towards a goal--for what? what cause? to make my parents happy? to make myself happy? these are the best moments of my life, and i'm wasting them because nobody loves me. and it's true.

nobody loves me.

because this is america. this is israel. this is world. and nobody cares about anyone.

sometimes i feel like i'm the only person here who is utterly alone. not physically alone--i have friends. but mentally. all on my own. in a territory that no one has marked before.

two senior girls kidnapped me yesterday. into their house. i entertained them. brooke, tiffany. red-hair, persian. short, tall. they think i'm their friend. they drove me home. they're fun.

they don't know who i am.

i don't know who i am.



but frank sinatra is helping me.

does everyone else feel like that?



-------------------------

i explored the world today.



a day of exploration.

i went into the little closet--storage space, whatever you want to call it--and looked through the crap of Jane.

Jane, oh Jane! I am reliving you,
your childhood,
like you always wanted to do
yourself.

And although I don't know you,
I understand you.

I understand you.

an old stone wolf's head;



a naked marble woman lying on a 70's-style metal cabinet;

lamp skeletons collecting dust.



the cold frightened me.

i love, hate life.

label me: friends, melancholy, moving, music, poem, social life