cutting great neck

it all ties in together.

everything


i understand everything.
my life.

the worldd.

why?

למה?






My most played song on iTunes is Hakayitz HaAcharon by a band called Shefiyot Hazman

שפיות זמנית - הקיץ האחרון
from 1991

the last summer by “time’s illusions”

a few weeks ago we drove in the silver toyota

to a park, to costco

two weeks ago, to be exact

and i opened the glove container or whatever

and there’s this colorful cd

and i remembered—i recalled my father telling me that he knows this famous singer and she was his good friend and she signed a cd of hers and gave it to him

he told me this, what—two years ago?

so i put this cd in

and i feel like crying.
...

i want to meet her

i really do.

sometimes, i feel so preoccupied by the world that i forget to commit myself to things and objects and missions that are significant to me. the world is so big, so easy to leap into, to be absorbed into like a little grain of sand swallowed by a bath sponge.

humanity is so difficult, so bizarre. just imagine: the entire world=people rule other people. that's it. the whole economic crisis, all wars, all murders, all rapes, all courtrooms, all jails, all priests and all rabbis and all terrorists and their victims--they are all people. human beings. as simple, as unintelligent, as dull and reflective as you and me. blogger's run by people!

and what makes the world so harsh, so jading, is that all of these people are seeking nirvana, and their ancestors sought nirvana, and in the end, there are two conflicts: a) ancestors' quest to nirvana clash with people's quest for nirvana; b) people's quest for nirvana clashes with other people's quest for nirvana.

and sometimes, these clashes are caused directly--bin laden flying his planes into downtown manhattan, man rapes 8-year-old girl on side of highway; most of the times, though, these clashes are indirect. a woman forced to wear a burqa because of the rules set by those who came before her, a man accidently impregnating his girlfriend...

and what i can tell you? what is the cause for all of these terrible dilemmas, all of these life-modifying milieus?

i think: religion.

religion, because G-D asked us to spread his mission, G-D asked us to hang all gays, G-D asked us to stone all whores, G-D asked us to burn those who eat pork, G-D asked us to fight Palestinians, G-D told us that there's heaven when we die, G-D told us that we won't die, G-D told us that He exists and therefore we should believe Him because He said so, because god is fucking supposed to know what the fuck he's talking about, right? well, right?

god, i hope you're there. i hope you're hearing me. i hope that you're listening to me.

if you're there, tell me: why do you make all this shit happen?

why do you make us fight in your name?

if you exist, why? why do you exist?

---

i just had a major fucking relevation.

god does not exist.

people--the same people that run this world, the same people that work this world--our ancestors--created god. they created it him out of cow skin and blood, scribing their dazed dreams onto a scratched, ragged slice of leather about their Omnipotent Creator who Made Them and Instructed Them, an eye in the sky whom we are the direct result of, and he can do everything for us, he can create everything and destruct everything all in one fellow swoop.

---

we're reading lord of the flies in english.

we read it last year too.

god, how i abstain from that book.

that's the only word i could fit in there.

i don't abhor it and i don't worship it. i appreciate it for appeasing my ideas; all values are unjustified, groundless, ambivalent, and individuals cannot for the life of them communicate with one another.

we all animals who live nowhere and anywhere at once.

and it indicates to me that there is nothing i can do to change it. nothing i can do to stop myself from living in this bubble of nihilism other than killing myself, which i will never do.

and now i need to do homework.

so basically, life is pretty much weird.

first post in two months: let's make it a good one.

who's reading this? no one, probably.

so i had this huge headache today and i don't know why. i'm extremely superstitious when it comes to headaches so i was not sure why this headache slapped into me on this very day. maybe because i woke up on the wrong side of the face. maybe because i drank coca-cola for breakfast. maybe because i ate waaaaay too much today, and yesterday, and the day before, and even the day before. maybe it's because...

because i don't know about israel anymore.

it's boring. it's still home, but it bores me. i expected it to be different. but israel always stays the same. the same colors, the same people, the same food, everything so stationary, so lifeless, so usual, and now i don't really understand why i even anticipated anything different. maybe i had my hopes up. expectations. maybe israel isn't really my home.

is it my home?

fuck, who even knows. i don't believe in god anymore, though it pains me. is that the reason for my headache? maybe there is a god and he doesn't like me not believing in him so he lightning-struck me with this horrid mind-wrecker?

no, god doesn't know if israel is my home or not because he doesn't exist.

the truth is, i feel like during this whole trip i've been putting up this fake front. it's the biggest one i've ever pulled, and though there are some gaping holes in it, i feel like it has been somewhat successful, considering the difficulty. anyhow, this front is destroying everything i stand for and it disappoints me that life is so hard, so miserable that human beings can't even be themselves. why should someone be scared of walking around with a headscarf around, oh, i don't know, great neck ny? or why should someone be refused their right to marry their loved one? i hope all of this will change in the next century. i hope people will be seen solely as people and not as muslims, blacks, gays, sluts.

if i become a politician, a journalist, a whatever, then i will fight for this idea to the death.

but the truth is, i don't know if there is anyone who i can show myself to, or anyone who can show themselves to me. the latter is more severe than the former. i have too many acquaintances, too little friends. if i had to pick one person to live with for my entire life in a desert island, i wouldn't know who to pick. would i pick anyone? not my father, not my sister, not my mother. names swoop around like giant birds in my head. who? who? and i feel like this plays a large part in my innermost misery. who can i lean on? no one. who can i trust? no one. i can only trust myself. i can only grow my inner soul into a mature, sociable, normal character. nobody else can do anything for me. nobody else can shape me or touch me or befriend me. because i've lived too long without good friends. i've lived too long searching, too little finding, too little settling. maybe one of these days, i'll live in an exotic land--spain, france--where i would find friends, lovers. people. i could trust them.

i feel like, due to the situations that have been thrust upon me, i'm the most miserable person in... in the vast network of human beings that i know. i feel like my life has been marked by a black omen since my delivery in schneider hospital, or that my future has been marred by a negligent upbringing and overly compassionate consideration. who has to deal with all these issues? my life has been tossed and thrown around without any care to anything like i was a, a, a basketball, like god [again, god=spit, so, metaphorically, ? ...] decided to surf a rebound and shoot me and throw me around the world. i am a broken, outcasted soul, extricated from the burning center of society into the gray-blue outposts of life. i can send letters to the center, sure, maybe even take the bust there once in awhile. but i'll never live there.

for now, i need escapes--i yearn for them, reach for them. escapes: school, journalism, politics, manhattan. another headache pill could do the trick. but i'll also be searching--searching for my whole life--for more, more, more escapes--movies, Europe, nytime--more and more and more, until i would just explode. escapes will shower me by the gallon.

my head burns like a potfull of beans and beef, or chunt in other words. yum...

water? food? shelter?

i don't know what i'm doing here. what i'm doing here in the basement of my cousin's house. in my cousin's house. in hod hasharon. in israel. in this world. what the fuck am i doing here in this world?