cutting great neck

when old songs revisit me, so do old feelings, feelings that rise up in me and crash inside like a great big blue wave.



i am writing this at 12 am on saturday, june 13, 2010; classical gas by vannessa-mae is on itunes; i’m about to read the nytimes mag and atlas shrugged; on a word document because my internet’s down, i have no plans to revive it till i wake up.

i wait incessantly for the right darkness to settle into this room.

i already miss the winter. my first real snowy winter. i miss waking up in the night and letting the raw cold fill up the room, filtered by this window and kept away at arm's length by these walls. i miss the piano songs that ring in the ice. the way the blackness seemed to swallow one small yellow streetlight that blinked in the distance from my window like a star and made me miss summer.

i am isolated and insulated all at once. maybe this is why the words sound so similar?

i love sitting in the darkness.




it swallows you up. black and flowing, like a curtain that closes in all around you. but you can still run, still feel for miles all around you, as if you're standing blind in one of those midwestern great fields of grass that seems to expand every step you take. darkness is endless like that, and free.

infinite: you think your hand can reach its end, but it never will.



blue swirls of light slip into the darkness.

the light from the computer screen ebbs, licking wrinkled papers and the mugs and plates and the keyboard and my fingers typing endlessly.

outside the sky is purple, snowy purple like a liberal arts shirt tucked under someone's bed. wiry tree limbs seem to float upwards like balloons, almost rising towards the sky, roots like teeth flowing away from their gums.




i'm encased in this darkness like a bug trapped by amber. darkness is an amber sun; it spreads, its rays flooding everywhere, ubiqutous and beautiful and dangerous.

i smell like poop.

my eyes are locking shut by themselves. i'm about to faint. i have to memorize 350 vocab words for tomorrow english. i'm too tired. i want to nap a little.

had a snowday last monday.

no pictures.

am too lazy.

play, guide post.

i realized today how useless, dull life is. i realized how there's nothing for us to live for. that we'll have to work and fight for nothing, for the most meager of prizes. children, money, sex. and i know i'm being so freudian right now, but it's truth and that's what matters.

how relationships change in the blink of an eye.

i've been listening to the idan raichel project lately. and i've--i've realized that he truly embodies the israeli spirit, the israeli identity.

i wish i could live there for a year or so. i wish i could see what i missed out on. i wish i could understand what my old friends are going through, what the world seems like to them. i want to be able to stay up till two in the morning and walk into a cafe--somewhat, cafes in israel are different than here... i don't know how to explain it--or just to wake up in the morning and look outside into the red dunes, sands, harsh white sun, cold marble floors, hot summer nights outside...

i don't know. i don't think i remember summer in israel. i don't think i remember much... from a lot of places.

my dad's been making dvds from old videotapes of us, and so sometimes we'd gather around the computer and watch... the past. and i find that i don't remember much of anything. sure, i can recall madrid or dancing and singing in the backyard in palo alto--but i don't remember so many of the places we've gone to, in san francisco, in san diego, in israel, and i feel so secluded and frightened... i feel like i've been swallowed up by my memory, by my lack of memory.

i miss it, a lot. sometimes.

but would i like to move there? oh, i'm not so sure now. i remember in september, how lonely and wretched i felt, how much i yearned to live in israel again... but now... i'm not so sure. i'm not so sure.

so, this past half-week has been AMAZING.

amazing in small, peculiar ways, and i can't really pinpoint the one aspect of my happiness but i can pick out several recent happenings which have made me feel...elated.

for one, the play. i love rehearsals. they’re so incredibly pleasurable and i get to relax and meet and frolic with all these remarkable human beings/actors, and i don’t really know why it had helped me so much; i guess it’s just the idea that i’m a large character in the play and that i have some comical lines and that aleksandra is rheba and i am donald and i’m black, too, so that’s so much fun and i love drama and ... yeah. plus, it’s this additional extracurricular (which is so comforting—any additional extras assuage my college fears) and i would like to become a thespian next year, or the year after that ... so that’s electrifying.



guide post was enjoyable, considering the token amount of time i got to design the pages. i would really like to write and report too, but if i want to advance myself then i ought to concentrate more on the designing aspect for now, and then if i receive an editorship next year, or the year after that, which i hope and somewhat anticipate, i will ensure that we all could be able to write more than we do at the moment.

also there’s no more snow, and the air is fresh, and i’m not as cold anymore and we’re free to be outside for once and see the grass and... i’m starting to get sick of snow, really.



sunday we went to manhattan, to greenwich village.

it was a MAJOR food day.



no more words needed.

i saw more zagat-rated restaurants or food stores in that one day on that one street than at any other time or place or day in my entire life. i noticed at least three 28-rated zagat restaurants, which is extraordinary.



i ate a rice ball filled with cheese, or a cheese ball filled with rice, or something like that in this 28 restaurant. mmm.

and then we went to this astounding italian fusion restaurant, simply breathtaking masterpieces foods, probably the most extravagantly cooked and delicious food i’ve ever eaten in my life.



i ate these three ping-pong sized appetizers—roasted red pepper filled with goat cheese, little vegetable-filled dough fritter, and a deviled egg. the dough one made me nostalgic for a memory which i don’t really have.



and then, hamburger—or more like a big, brown, sizzling patty, condensed and incredibly well-done, but i still tasted the meat with every bite, so homey and lovely. there’s no words to describe it. served next to a plate of chips and a pickle... the hamburger was so good that i think they put salad dressing on the lettuce.

and an apple pie...

in five words, describing the food:

it will make you cry.

today was good, too. i have one dilemma, however.

with this person.

this person... is unique, for a number of ways.

well, we were friends. but they have grown so mean-spirited and disenchanted with me, and i feel as if i disappointed them and they completely ignore me one second and then the next second they, well, welcome me into their arms.

well, not really. grudgingly, i believe.



i feel like they have taken advantage of me, like they consider me as a disposable, unnecessary individual, and even though i am crazy that does not mean that i am a disposable, unnecessary individual who can be virtually disregarded. and i like being the center of attention, so maybe this person doesn’t like me being a center of attention around them, but i used to respect this person so much, and now this respect i had for them evaporated.

is this a symptom of fakeness?

---

i'm eating cheetos and my fingers are all greasy and disgusting and it's midnight.



oh shit.

i watched the best film of 2008 on saturday. (and the second best film of 2008 a day before that.)



the best one--waltz with bashir. oh, my eyes swelled and i felt such nostalgia and emotions and sympathy, a plethora of indescribable, sacrosanct emotions that twisted me and confused me so.

on friday i watched vicky cristina barcelona. obviously, woody allen is king--but the performances, oh!, the setting, the music... all superb.

the end. good night.

insert blank:

life is ___________


a)disappointing
b) horrible
c) leave as is
d) all of the above



no snow. no happiness. no life.

i am a particularly angsty teen. today has been horrible. in all of my classes, i felt... well, for a lack of a better term, not superior. or inferior. inferior to other individuals.



my friendliness with miserable eric (a disgustingly tall&pale, mindless, skittish sophomore who likes to create awkward situations and frivolously flaunts his adoration of zack efron and high school musical [1, 2, 3] who confirmed to me his bisexuality [does he know what sexuality even is?] on thursday night when i was compelled to spend an evening with him and watch benjamin button [overrated somewhat]) has not paid off yet, and as i leave my drama 1 class with him in it i feel somewhat joyous, somewhat anxious for fifth period drama rep.



second period, hebrew, as always, felt secluded. this is the only class in which i still keep to myself, still keep silent. i am the teacher's pet, a democrat and an ashkenazi, which apparently does not match the particulars of anyone in the room except moi.

third period was all right; i discovered am 82% on math midterm, which i previously believed to be a FAILED.

fourth period--88% on history test (highest of all time! YES! [well, it's AP]) and 75% on essay (YES! highest in the class!!!).



drama rep... meh.

english was a bit of a hullababoo today or whatever you wish to call it. teacher returned papers--apparently i and another girl, a particularly brainless blond, have not been given back our papers. oh well--typing it at the moment, taking an extra-long break. my heart was beating so hard. i need an a in english fuck.

spanish... 96% overall, if i turn in notebook probably 98%.



chemistry, teacher (i love ms. afkhami. i think she's muslim which makes me love her even more. the utter courage to teach in such a jewish-oriented campus is astounding. i know she is iranian, and am kinda sure she is muslim.) told me i fit in ap physics next year. yucks--am not elated, though enjoying her consideration of my intellect. maybe because told her my psat score? and because we both love obama?

after school, i had tryouts for a play. apparently we were all called back for tomorrow. it's a good play too, so i'm crossing my fingers--need, yearn those extracirriculars.




anyway, nobody in tryouts paid any attention to me. but like 3/4s knew me. gackk.

and then after terrible tryouts i had fun with loren who i never actually... met, seriously. she helped me on my shakespeare.

and a little bit extra.



came home. tireeddd. had trouble sleeping last night.



sometimes when im really not tired i lie in bed and fall into this sleep trance where i am awake but not really, like i think as if i am awake but it's more like a dream. i just lie there and consider different possibilities. it happened once with politics, but i am not sure what i was thinking about last night. and it's like you think about it and you're not sure if you're awake or not and then it's 7 in the morning and you realize you hadn't actually slept at all.



it's going to snow tomorrow.




:)

10:20 pm January 19 2009 Monday


today

i have been so involved in myself.



i concentrated more on the blog than anything else.

i woke up late. i watched the end of an old, black-and-white movie. a mysterious one. the maltese falcon.



i stumbled on a hill of snow. i fell. i lurched forward, trying to catch my balance. i fell. i fell. i fell, and i stood, and when i returned my fingers, my hands were burning, burning.



it's martin luther king jr. day. i feel good. i feel optimistic. tomorrow is the big day.



i'm listening to cat power, to mazzy star, to clair de lune, to tutim. i feel so empowered by their language, so learned from their musings. i want to read the last exit to brooklyn.

it's on my night desk.

i have swimming tomorrow. i don't like sports.

i plan on throwing up. on killing myself. on getting out into the biting, stabbing cold.



snow. up to my ankles.

night.



"my young bride
why are your shoulders
like that
of a tired old woman"

Monday January 19 2009 early early in the morning


the night is closing in on me.

the snow is smoothing.



frank sinatra croons jazz in my ears, his words like feathers dancing, playing in and out of shadows.

i am forgetful, old, prococious. i am a wonderer.



i said something bizarre to this girl today.

"i don't believe in god
and he's punishing me for it."



i am a paradox.



how can god punish me
if he does not exist?

how can life punish us
if we do not exist?



i went outside today.

in the snow, bitter and white and blankety, soft. it hardens in your fist. it smooths your eyes, jades them. it's fresh, it's cool, it's comfortable. it's black skies above white, brown-hued snow.



i sleep in morning hours.


and now i think of madrid.

i don't know why.



i miss madrid. i miss europe. i miss life, lives, which i had not been able to hold, which i had been able to hold but had not held long enough.

i miss persons whom i had not been able to hold long enough.



i feel so alone. so worthless.

Frank Sinatra - My Way

recently read Bono's nytime's column, downloaded my way. and i liked it. i understood it. i felt its force. its sheer, human force. and i've been thinking how different i am from everyone and how lovely everyone still is.



i took a long walk today. two friends didn't want to talk to me. that's ok. i thought about life. about friends.



on facebook, i look through pics of old israeli friends. i see how different each one looks. how grown-up. how matured. how unlike me, how like me. how tremendously altered and ostentatious, so unfamiliar, tall, gaunt, square. and i think: do i look like that to them? what would i have looked like if i stayed in israel? who would i have been?



who am i now?

Saturday January 16 2009 early early in the morning

i miss you.



whoever you are, wherever you are.



i miss you.



i love you.



you are so important to me. i really meant to tell you this a long time ago.

but, i forgot.

and it's cold. and i can see lights outside. and i miss manhattan, and i miss you, and i am so full of missing everything.



i went to school today and had tears in my eyes because this guess speaker came to talk about children in cambodia and how he was building homes and talking about how he built schools and how important life is and he showed us a video of all these cambodian kids singing a song and i had tears in my eyes and i have them now. and my spanish teacher was sitting next to me.

and i felt how strong and important humanity is.



and now i feel like you're so important to me, and that i want to see you again.



i miss you.


i had so many ideas about what to write in this post.

but i forgot them all.



oh, let's all end this with some good sylvia plath poem:

"Childless Woman
The womb
Rattles its pod, the moon
Discharges itself from the tree with nowhere to go.

My landscape is a hand with no lines,
The roads bunched to a knot,
The knot myself,

Myself the rose you acheive---
This body,
This ivory

Ungodly as a child's shriek.
Spiderlike, I spin mirrors,
Loyal to my image,

Uttering nothing but blood---
Taste it, dark red!
And my forest

My funeral,
And this hill and this
Gleaming with the mouths of corpses."

... ... ... ... sleeppp