cutting great neck

i smell like poop.

my eyes are locking shut by themselves. i'm about to faint. i have to memorize 350 vocab words for tomorrow english. i'm too tired. i want to nap a little.

had a snowday last monday.

no pictures.

am too lazy.

play, guide post.

i realized today how useless, dull life is. i realized how there's nothing for us to live for. that we'll have to work and fight for nothing, for the most meager of prizes. children, money, sex. and i know i'm being so freudian right now, but it's truth and that's what matters.

how relationships change in the blink of an eye.

i've been listening to the idan raichel project lately. and i've--i've realized that he truly embodies the israeli spirit, the israeli identity.

i wish i could live there for a year or so. i wish i could see what i missed out on. i wish i could understand what my old friends are going through, what the world seems like to them. i want to be able to stay up till two in the morning and walk into a cafe--somewhat, cafes in israel are different than here... i don't know how to explain it--or just to wake up in the morning and look outside into the red dunes, sands, harsh white sun, cold marble floors, hot summer nights outside...

i don't know. i don't think i remember summer in israel. i don't think i remember much... from a lot of places.

my dad's been making dvds from old videotapes of us, and so sometimes we'd gather around the computer and watch... the past. and i find that i don't remember much of anything. sure, i can recall madrid or dancing and singing in the backyard in palo alto--but i don't remember so many of the places we've gone to, in san francisco, in san diego, in israel, and i feel so secluded and frightened... i feel like i've been swallowed up by my memory, by my lack of memory.

i miss it, a lot. sometimes.

but would i like to move there? oh, i'm not so sure now. i remember in september, how lonely and wretched i felt, how much i yearned to live in israel again... but now... i'm not so sure. i'm not so sure.

label me: boredom, friends, guide post, home, israel, life, memory, miss, philosophy, play, sex, snow

manhattan on saturday february 28



sometimes i feel like life is... is like a long, roatating journey packed with ennui and fatigue, at times spotted with good points that sooner or later become strenuous bores, unneeded chores--a life filled with things from a life that has been lived before, a life... i don't know.



manhattan on saturday,
manhattan on sunday,
manhattan on saturday,
great neck the rest of the week,
cold air,
same people, same activities.

sometimes i feel like there's only history to look forward to; the past, the intriguing, beautiful past, jam-packed with death, violence, peace, love, hope, fury.



we went with the shapiras to south side seaport, that tourist hole near wall street, and then we went up towards chinatown but never made it, so then we just returned and dined at the same turkish place we ate at in june.

hmm.

we have guests now and i want to tell ya'll how nice life is and how normal and how ordinary and how strange my life is still and how dark night is outside, how dangerous, how enchanting like a movie.

ohh and yes, i did see two grand movies this weekend: "all about eve" (such a screenplay, such actors) and "la strada" (a bizarre connection to the glorious "nights of cabiria.")



i want to live in europe when i grow older; not new york, not san diego, not san francisco, not israel. europe: france, england, ireland, spain, greece, italy, germany romania russia. i want to live in a place where not everything revolves around you, when society has a social aspect and does not only consist of statistics.




i've been listening to a bunch of israeli songs lately

and i want to be in israel again

just to be there, alone, independent, in a small mediterranean apartment

with some girl, just locked up

and go to clubs, and listen to music and eat watermelons in the summer:

is it all that bad?

there is something like you
in me; something capricious
and sickly, a long shadow
inside my eye that expands
and contracts with the wind,
black and vile. i see you, the
vicarious creature, the untenable
wolf; vexing and peeling away
scars that have dried long ago,
drawing blood that has poured
long ago. you extend a drooling
arm, like a curtain, waving in
the wind and rain. the and needs
to be smaller, because we all
know that wind and rain
always go together, don’t we?
like harold and maude? and
porgy and bess? and sometimes,
i think, you and me—but not in
the small and sort of way, more like
in two voices that fall into place,
red and rose, chanting hymns together
like twirling snakes. sometimes,
i think, you and me need
smaller ands, like wind & rain,
wood & fire, dark & light.
you & the and is as little as
the light at the end of the tunnel.

<3 KIF KEF

<3 MEKUPELET


ANI CHOZER LETEL AVIV

I'M RETURNING TO TEL AVIV!!!

label me: boredom, europe, food, future, history, israel, life, manhattan, miss, movie, music, night, philosophy, poem

it all ties in together.

everything


i understand everything.
my life.

the worldd.

why?

למה?






My most played song on iTunes is Hakayitz HaAcharon by a band called Shefiyot Hazman

שפיות זמנית - הקיץ האחרון
from 1991

the last summer by “time’s illusions”

i don’t know; something about that song makes me melancholy, makes me reflect, makes me... feel so lonely, so full of darkness, so left out... so neglected. but it expresses so many profound and mystical ideas, and i can only... i can only, i don’t know... i love it. it calls to mind israel; the darkness of israel, the sadness, the gloominess, all of my missed opportunities, the homes, the people... i can't tell you. i can't...it is such a mysterious song, so... so full of longing.



the story:

a few weeks ago we drove in the silver toyota

to a park, to costco

two weeks ago, to be exact

and i opened the glove container or whatever

and there’s this colorful cd

and i remembered—i recalled my father telling me that he knows this famous singer and she was his good friend and she signed a cd of hers and gave it to him

he told me this, what—two years ago?

so i put this cd in

and i feel like crying.
...

i want to meet her

i really do.

and it all fits in together. why did i have this sudden connection to the song? this emotional bond with her voice? because i’ve heard it before. years before. in a different time.

it was a one-hit wonder, and then she became a businesswoman.

wow.



why am i telling you this now?

why am i telling you this at all?

i don't know; intrigue. self-fullfillment. life.

~~~

i went to a party on saturday

and it was amazing

valentine’s day party

...


the play is moving along

fine

and i guess...
that’s it.

tuesday early morning
ah.

darkness
cat power
catcher in the rye
chips
sleep
wake up
shower
life

lyrics

this is my last summer with you
with the first rain i’ll disappear
my tears will pour down the streets
like a leaf that falls and far-away hopes
i’m a man of winter amidst men of sea
but in this winter i will not exist
slowly, slowly the layers melt
between wanting, not wanting and last prayers

so remember that you promised not to cry
because the skies are big and the tears are small
close your eyes every first rain
and think of me

i want to climb on the mountains because they’re there
and to visit oversea countries
to know if there is other life forms
and if the dead keep living
because this is my last summer with you
with the first rain i’ll disappear
my tears will pour down the streets
like a leaf that falls and far-away hopes

so remember that you promised not to cry
because the skies are big and the tears are small
close your eyes every first rain
and think of me

label me: friends, future, happiness, israel, life, melancholy, memory, music, nostalgia, play, song, uncertainty

february 5 2009

what makes today a good day:



1) i got a part in the play. and it's not such a tiny part either. it's about a 50-line part, so i'm super excited to play it--plus, i'm supposed to be BLACK [mr. gellert must have looked beyond my pallid qualities into my inner soul] which physically and spiritually brings me even closer to barack obama. also, donald--my character--is aleksandra's [I LOVE YOU] husband/boyfriend. and they're really crazy. and then during our first read-through i had so much fucking fun! mr. gellert made fun of my accent and everyone laughed though i didn't understand what was so funny because i don't have a strong accent and nobody even knows i have an israeli accent and i never tell them it's an israeli accent and whenever i do tell them they don't believe me. and i really like my character :)



2) today was my first layout/late night in the guide post. stayed until 9:05 p.m. so basically everyone really liked me and what i did with my page. it was incredible. indesign is so incredible, i love designing newspapers and i really hope that finally my newspaper design skills would be put to good use. i want to be editor-in-chief of the guide post later in life. yay.



3) i understood the math for my math test tomorrow. oh shit. i need to be studying and NOT doing this!

and that's probably it.



~~~


had a hard time falling asleep for the past few days. i'm lying in bed. thinking about life. mmm. and i try to fall asleep, but can't. took long, long nap yesterday afternoon. i guess, sleep is not really an escape for me, it's more of a -- more of a well-controlled and troubling addiction. i hate trying to fall asleep. for the past few months i've been able to just pop right onto my pillow and doze off the second my ear touched the satin. so i'm really uncertain about what had happened to me over the past week.


i have also had the weirdest dreams. last night... i don't remember the dream from last night, though i do remember the dream from the night before. somehow israeli uncle & aunt & cousins came to visit us ... and our house was weird. well, for one thing, i went to pee into a bathroom in a room which exists in the house i live in right now but there were two toilets, both of them marvel, one of them for pee and one of them for poop. and i subconciously knew this. no idea how. and there was this huge bathtum behind the toilets. the dining room was weird too. and it was... i don't remember so well.

and the night before that, i dreamed that all of gilboa came to visit me in ny. it was so bizarre because i never give so much thought to gilboa, well not enough to have an entire gilboa-oriented fantasy anyway, but i clearly remember seeing dannielle and katya there and it was in the dark and it was cold and everyone was embracing each other and i remember seeing danielle and katya from far away and screaming their names as if we just saw each other again after a lifetime. and there were more people there too. i vaguely recall seeing faces illuminated by fire that had nothing to do with california or gilboa. people from my current life. who, i don't remember, but i remember thinking about it when i woke up.


~~


from now on my afternoons will be basically filled. oh shit. and with school and all. oh shit. i've still got some hw. oh oh ohhh shit.



exactly a year ago was super tuesday. it seems like time has flown by. hillary clinton--i still miss her infintiely, but am somewhat joyous that things turn out the way they are.

here's my picture post taken on a warm san diego winter night from super tuesday 2008, when california chose clinton by a 8% margin. i love democrats.

label me: drama, dream, friends, gilboa, guide post, life, obama, play, politics, sd, sleep, social life

insert blank:

life is ___________


a)disappointing
b) horrible
c) leave as is
d) all of the above



no snow. no happiness. no life.

i am a particularly angsty teen. today has been horrible. in all of my classes, i felt... well, for a lack of a better term, not superior. or inferior. inferior to other individuals.



my friendliness with miserable eric (a disgustingly tall&pale, mindless, skittish sophomore who likes to create awkward situations and frivolously flaunts his adoration of zack efron and high school musical [1, 2, 3] who confirmed to me his bisexuality [does he know what sexuality even is?] on thursday night when i was compelled to spend an evening with him and watch benjamin button [overrated somewhat]) has not paid off yet, and as i leave my drama 1 class with him in it i feel somewhat joyous, somewhat anxious for fifth period drama rep.



second period, hebrew, as always, felt secluded. this is the only class in which i still keep to myself, still keep silent. i am the teacher's pet, a democrat and an ashkenazi, which apparently does not match the particulars of anyone in the room except moi.

third period was all right; i discovered am 82% on math midterm, which i previously believed to be a FAILED.

fourth period--88% on history test (highest of all time! YES! [well, it's AP]) and 75% on essay (YES! highest in the class!!!).



drama rep... meh.

english was a bit of a hullababoo today or whatever you wish to call it. teacher returned papers--apparently i and another girl, a particularly brainless blond, have not been given back our papers. oh well--typing it at the moment, taking an extra-long break. my heart was beating so hard. i need an a in english fuck.

spanish... 96% overall, if i turn in notebook probably 98%.



chemistry, teacher (i love ms. afkhami. i think she's muslim which makes me love her even more. the utter courage to teach in such a jewish-oriented campus is astounding. i know she is iranian, and am kinda sure she is muslim.) told me i fit in ap physics next year. yucks--am not elated, though enjoying her consideration of my intellect. maybe because told her my psat score? and because we both love obama?

after school, i had tryouts for a play. apparently we were all called back for tomorrow. it's a good play too, so i'm crossing my fingers--need, yearn those extracirriculars.




anyway, nobody in tryouts paid any attention to me. but like 3/4s knew me. gackk.

and then after terrible tryouts i had fun with loren who i never actually... met, seriously. she helped me on my shakespeare.

and a little bit extra.



came home. tireeddd. had trouble sleeping last night.



sometimes when im really not tired i lie in bed and fall into this sleep trance where i am awake but not really, like i think as if i am awake but it's more like a dream. i just lie there and consider different possibilities. it happened once with politics, but i am not sure what i was thinking about last night. and it's like you think about it and you're not sure if you're awake or not and then it's 7 in the morning and you realize you hadn't actually slept at all.



it's going to snow tomorrow.




:)

label me: boredom, dream, friends, high school, life, sleep, snow, social life

.

label me: israel, life, melancholy, miss, moving, ny, san diego, uncertainty